I'm Very Annoyed With Life. :/

OMG. I'm seriously ready to die right now. ;ajds fiuthqwedugshuafhddls a;tbuer[oitw. that helped.. oddly enough.

so last night, I was teaching without T and at 9:16-ish, I was ready to leave. I wanted to be out of there and forget it. So I stuck my Ipod Touch in my main compartment of my bag along with a not so well closed lid of my Gatorade. THE WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE!! I get home and see my bag is soaking wet. All I can think is f**k. I ransack my bag looking for only my Itouch, to see that it is okay. I find it after throwing everything around in my car, and it works. It is a bit wet but it still is on. Since its dying, I figure I should turn it off, save battery. NOOO! What the hell was I thinking??? Who let me think this?!! Then it won't turn on, go to the Apple store after a crap night and crap day at drill.. I have to make an appointment to fix my Itouch. REALLY? So then I come home and wait for my appointment. I go there and get someone to help me, want to know what they tell me?! ITS DEAD. And I can't transfer or do anything with all the stuff I had on there. MY LIFE WAS ON THAT! I had so much music and photos. And its just gone. Does the world really hate me that much? A lot of people had there Ipods turn back on and they were fine. Why not mine? Was I a terrible person to deserve losing my life on my Itouch? So now I'm trying to get the new Itouch to be the same as the old.. and no it isn't working. I have all the same applications just none of the information.. ahhhh. And my music is somewhere in my laptop and I'm suppose to find it. So this sucks. I'm really ready to die, cause I can't find any of my backed up songs. What the hell?! Ugh. I'm like crying my eyes out because my life is my music and now its all lost. I need to find it.. I have too. Or else, life will suck forever more.

So I had my Dare phone for a while. I enjoyed it but got annoyed, like all my phones. haha, So instead of a new one, I went back to my old red brick phone. Well I didn't do much with my Dare anymore, so then when a friend needed a phone for Verizon. I was like "oh yeah, use mine!" So then the friend took my phone like two weeks early, thinking she'll get it ready for herself. NOOO!!!!!! Hell to the mother no. WORST IDEA EVER. I wasn't thinking really and was being nice and just said "oh most of this can go." Then later, I think about it (days later) that I actually don't want any deleted. Guess what?! I'm too late, she's like "you said I could.. so I did." WHAT?! You really just deleted my things without a second or third opinion? WHY? Can I delete your history and not ask you if its okay...? Let me just erase your past and not care at all. I don't care if your past, or texts, or pictures, or anything meant anything to you. Screw you, its all me. And the only thing they saved, was the ringtones, so they could use them. REALLY?!! Wow. Deleted pictures, texts, videos... everything every f**king little thing. Do you even care that I actually want to remember my past and such? And I can't forgive you for that. Sorry is not a word I'm taking from you for this.. I resent you for it. And I hate seeing you use it. I can't stand to be around you. I want you to give it back now. Right now. And I don't tell you how I feel but I feel this way so strongly. I absolutely loathe seeing you use my old phone. I know that is rude and selfish of me, but its me. I get very selfish and have a hard time sharing. I'm sorry but it is me. I wish I would've made you just buy a new cheap phone. So f**k you. I"m mad at you and I will be for a very long time, I try to forgive you but I can't. Its beyond me to forgive you right now.

Not only did I give my Dare with memories away, but it is the only phone to have survived still living. I saved it before I destroyed but then I give it to a friend and they destroy it. WHY DID I DO THIS? All my other phones and electronics always die and I can never retrieve memory or anything from them. My Dare had that and I ruined it. I'm stupid.

And I'm sick of this whole pity me thing, I feel like I'm the bad guy in the movie. Like the one girl who her best friend gets more attention cause she has a depressing life.. and I feel bad cause I want the attention back. It was my life before yours, give it back. It was my family, give it back. Stop stealing everything of mine just cause you have nothing!!! ugh.

So losing my stuff from my Dare cause a friend doesn't consider my feelings, losing my Ipod Touch, and not being able to find my music. Oh plus I'm basically mentally screwed up right now. My brain isn't right, and I can tell. Something is wrong and I'm acting weird. So life sucks at the minute and sorry I freaked out but I'm having a nervous breakdown and I don't deal well. :/ I really need help..

I just want my music back.. I want my memories back. I want it all back and there is no rewind button!

Baby, Thats Just Me.

I would like to let you know that I am one of the worst people ever lately. For some reason I go through insane mood swings. Where I can't even stand the people who are near to me. My best friends, my family, anyone.. I get annoyed with easily and I get all mad at questions I shouldn't. Is something wrong? I push those I love the most away, and all because my brain is in some kind of funk. I feel like a terrible person. I am a terrible person. Its just something that is hard to control. I feel as if I've lost my way and I blame myself. But I'm blaming others as well. How did I get so lost? I once knew a something about myself and now I know nothing.. well that's how it feels. Its insane. I'm sick of watching others live life! I want to live life. I want to be the one people think has such a great time anywhere and anyplace. I want to be happy again! It is just gonna take work. Someone told me that we're young and still have time to not worry about things like this. That we should just have fun and life will fall into the pieces it is suppose too. I believe them. It is just hard to try that, to stop caring so much. That is all my brain does. Think of everything that ever was and will be. I feel as if I can't even stop my brain anymore. When did doubt take so much control over my life? How did I let that happen? I use to be so fun and confident. I could get what I wanted and I didn't care what anyone said cause I still had family and those friends that stuck around with me no matter what. They would put me down but I was able to stay confident. They just kept me down to earth even if I really wasn't. They tried at least. I miss those days. I miss being not so picky. When did I become picky? Who am I to be picky? Honestly I'm a pretty cool girl, just not that cool. So who am I to think that I can be picky? Shouldn't I just be happy with whatever comes my way? Ugh. I think way too much about life. Sorry if you are actually reading this and thinking "why is she so self centered?" I'm sorry. stop reading if you want. I don't care. I just need to write it down, get it out of my head. I wish I knew answers. I think that is what I'm looking for. answers, answers, answers. What will I do if I can't find them? So I just need to start accepting life as it is. Changes need to be made. I'm sick of just wanting things and thinking, "I"ll never get them.." no. I want to get them. I need to be more like the book the Secret. that was quite helpful for a while.. hmm. Ill figure life out. Someday, I Just need to take it as it is now. Growing up sucks, why as little kids did we not see this?! haha. We only saw what we wanted I think. Thats what I saw! I believe I don't accept myself as I am. the quote you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself first. Thats me. I don't love myself, and I want too. Its just hard. maybe when I accept myself others will too. That makes sense.. :/ I just wish I knew. I'd gladly go back to the days of elementary! I loved them. The silly games, the pointless drama, chasing boys, swinging, you didn't need much to keep you happy. The simple days. Where'd they go? I love the quote that says "its not that I can't believe anymore, its just that too much has happened." it is quite true, and that isn't the exact wording.. but something like it haha.
I just need a change in life. I"ll get one someday. haha, hmmm. oh well.
I'm glad I was able to write it somewhere. I don't care who knows. I want help. haha,
(:

If You Want More Love, Why Don't You Say SO?

-We are all in the gutter, some of us are just looking at the stars.
-To love is to risk not being loved in return, to hope is to risk pain, to try is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
-May the love hidden deep inside your heart meet the love waiting in your dreams.
-Once you choose hope, anything is possible
-Hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence.
-Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow them.
-If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream.
-I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge -- myth is more potent than history -- dreams are more powerful than facts -- hope always triumphs over experience -- laughter is the cure for grief -- love is stronger than death.
-Hope is the only universal liar who never loses his reputation for veracity.
-The trouble with most people is that they think with their hopes or fears or wishes rather than with their minds.
-You've gotta have hope. Without hope life is meaningless. Without hope life is meaning less and less.
-Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark.
-Hope is grief's best music.
-When you say a situation or a person is hopeless, you're slamming the door in the face of God.
-Hope never abandons you, you abandon it.
-Hope is the only bee that makes honey without flowers.
-To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart and sing it to them when they have forgotten.
-Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
-What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?
-That whisper you keep hearing is the universe trying to get your attention
-If you do nothing unexpected, nothing unexpected happens.
-I know it seems hard sometimes, but remember one thing, through every dark night, there's a bright day after that. So no matter how hard it gets, keep your chest out, keep your head up and handle it
-I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
-People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.
-Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't
-Hope is a waking dream.
-Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul.
-Hope ever tells us tomorrow will be better.
-All human wisdom is summed up in two words - wait and hope.
-Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.
-To give hope to someone occurs when you teach them how to use the tools to do it for themselves."
- Just wish I had a crystal ball To show me, if it's worth it all
- she lies in the grass staring up at the sky, wondering what happened to her life
-if your wish does not come true then something better was meant for you
-I remember when I was younger. I wanted to be a teenager so badly. Now that I grew up, I want to go back. Back to when no one was criticized for what they're wearing. Back to when smoking was GROSS. Back to when being popular was when you had the newest toy. Nerds didn't exist, only weird kids did. We were friends with pretty much everyone we knew. We could care less what people thought about us, and we didn't spend hours getting ready to go out. It was so different then, now it's the complete opposite.

Little Girls, Don't Know How To Be Sweet Girls. Momma Didn't Teach Me.

Well, life is at stand still, once again. haha. I felt like blogging, I am not sure as of why but I felt like it. Last week in my intro to writing class, due to my low ACT score. I had to take a placer test for it. That wasn't fun but I passed. So I get to stay in my english class. College might suck but I'm hoping not. The social life sounds fun, not sure about the schooling though. Uhm, plus I found out last week that I passed my CNA state exam :D Hell to the yeahh. haha, I'm so excited. I knew I passed my skills test. I was just super worried about the written, I'm generally not good with tests like so. But now I can go be a CNA and earn money! yay! Then it was my last drill competition ever, :D it was like usual, at UVU. (my future school!!) We took fifth overall. 5th in dance and military. 6th in kick. So it went pretty well. I'm happy about it. Good way to end the year. :) Now all that is left is showcase and drill is pretty much over. I'm super stoked about that. I love drill but I'm so done. Three years has killed me almost. haha, and we aren't even the hardest working team at hunter.. I mean we work dang hard. I just know other teams are pushing it harder. So yeah. This week has been good so far. I'm goign to get my hair done tomorrow, I was suppose to Monday. But things change. Plus its UBSCTs this week, so classes don't start till like 9:30. And drill has a week off.. :) So I only go to seminary on B days. It is amazing. My A days are no bueno. Seriously, my human biology class isn't fun anymore. I use to enjoy it. And ever since I've changed teachers, it has sucked. But I blame the teacher, he isn't teaching.. he's just talking and having you take notes. Then watching you do poorly on the tests. I've noticed this within a week or two. So yeah, thats my crappy biology class. I'm excited for one semester left. Its crazy, I don't feel like I'm graduating this year. :/ So back to my intro to writing class. We had to write an essay on "who I am". Mine turned out bad, like I semi-predicted. I just worry and do the technical more than the personal. I'm not the class clown, or the one who makes the remarks out loud and people think its cool. I'm more a shy and I need a lot of explanation cause I don't want to screw it up girl. I don't love when teachers just talk but I'd rather be quiet while they're talking then ruin it for the class. I don't know. I just feel like my essay kind of, sucked it up. It didn't show my personality as well as I'd like. Its just hard. :/ yuck. At this age, do we really know who we are? And if you do, how? Its just a hard question for me to answer, smoothly at least. Ehh. I was so exited today. I went right after school to buy the Nick Jonas & the Administration CD :D I love it a lot... already. haha, His voice is so amazing. Plus Vannah cam over and we watched two live chats. It was fun. The girls on there are so funny. :) Today was really good. I enjoyed being with my best friend. She is amazing. :) :) Well I guess that its. I'm off to listen to music. Sleep tight (: