Baby, Thats Just Me.

I would like to let you know that I am one of the worst people ever lately. For some reason I go through insane mood swings. Where I can't even stand the people who are near to me. My best friends, my family, anyone.. I get annoyed with easily and I get all mad at questions I shouldn't. Is something wrong? I push those I love the most away, and all because my brain is in some kind of funk. I feel like a terrible person. I am a terrible person. Its just something that is hard to control. I feel as if I've lost my way and I blame myself. But I'm blaming others as well. How did I get so lost? I once knew a something about myself and now I know nothing.. well that's how it feels. Its insane. I'm sick of watching others live life! I want to live life. I want to be the one people think has such a great time anywhere and anyplace. I want to be happy again! It is just gonna take work. Someone told me that we're young and still have time to not worry about things like this. That we should just have fun and life will fall into the pieces it is suppose too. I believe them. It is just hard to try that, to stop caring so much. That is all my brain does. Think of everything that ever was and will be. I feel as if I can't even stop my brain anymore. When did doubt take so much control over my life? How did I let that happen? I use to be so fun and confident. I could get what I wanted and I didn't care what anyone said cause I still had family and those friends that stuck around with me no matter what. They would put me down but I was able to stay confident. They just kept me down to earth even if I really wasn't. They tried at least. I miss those days. I miss being not so picky. When did I become picky? Who am I to be picky? Honestly I'm a pretty cool girl, just not that cool. So who am I to think that I can be picky? Shouldn't I just be happy with whatever comes my way? Ugh. I think way too much about life. Sorry if you are actually reading this and thinking "why is she so self centered?" I'm sorry. stop reading if you want. I don't care. I just need to write it down, get it out of my head. I wish I knew answers. I think that is what I'm looking for. answers, answers, answers. What will I do if I can't find them? So I just need to start accepting life as it is. Changes need to be made. I'm sick of just wanting things and thinking, "I"ll never get them.." no. I want to get them. I need to be more like the book the Secret. that was quite helpful for a while.. hmm. Ill figure life out. Someday, I Just need to take it as it is now. Growing up sucks, why as little kids did we not see this?! haha. We only saw what we wanted I think. Thats what I saw! I believe I don't accept myself as I am. the quote you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself first. Thats me. I don't love myself, and I want too. Its just hard. maybe when I accept myself others will too. That makes sense.. :/ I just wish I knew. I'd gladly go back to the days of elementary! I loved them. The silly games, the pointless drama, chasing boys, swinging, you didn't need much to keep you happy. The simple days. Where'd they go? I love the quote that says "its not that I can't believe anymore, its just that too much has happened." it is quite true, and that isn't the exact wording.. but something like it haha.
I just need a change in life. I"ll get one someday. haha, hmmm. oh well.
I'm glad I was able to write it somewhere. I don't care who knows. I want help. haha,
(:

If You Want More Love, Why Don't You Say SO?

-We are all in the gutter, some of us are just looking at the stars.
-To love is to risk not being loved in return, to hope is to risk pain, to try is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
-May the love hidden deep inside your heart meet the love waiting in your dreams.
-Once you choose hope, anything is possible
-Hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence.
-Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow them.
-If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream.
-I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge -- myth is more potent than history -- dreams are more powerful than facts -- hope always triumphs over experience -- laughter is the cure for grief -- love is stronger than death.
-Hope is the only universal liar who never loses his reputation for veracity.
-The trouble with most people is that they think with their hopes or fears or wishes rather than with their minds.
-You've gotta have hope. Without hope life is meaningless. Without hope life is meaning less and less.
-Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark.
-Hope is grief's best music.
-When you say a situation or a person is hopeless, you're slamming the door in the face of God.
-Hope never abandons you, you abandon it.
-Hope is the only bee that makes honey without flowers.
-To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart and sing it to them when they have forgotten.
-Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
-What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?
-That whisper you keep hearing is the universe trying to get your attention
-If you do nothing unexpected, nothing unexpected happens.
-I know it seems hard sometimes, but remember one thing, through every dark night, there's a bright day after that. So no matter how hard it gets, keep your chest out, keep your head up and handle it
-I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
-People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.
-Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't
-Hope is a waking dream.
-Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul.
-Hope ever tells us tomorrow will be better.
-All human wisdom is summed up in two words - wait and hope.
-Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.
-To give hope to someone occurs when you teach them how to use the tools to do it for themselves."
- Just wish I had a crystal ball To show me, if it's worth it all
- she lies in the grass staring up at the sky, wondering what happened to her life
-if your wish does not come true then something better was meant for you
-I remember when I was younger. I wanted to be a teenager so badly. Now that I grew up, I want to go back. Back to when no one was criticized for what they're wearing. Back to when smoking was GROSS. Back to when being popular was when you had the newest toy. Nerds didn't exist, only weird kids did. We were friends with pretty much everyone we knew. We could care less what people thought about us, and we didn't spend hours getting ready to go out. It was so different then, now it's the complete opposite.

Little Girls, Don't Know How To Be Sweet Girls. Momma Didn't Teach Me.

Well, life is at stand still, once again. haha. I felt like blogging, I am not sure as of why but I felt like it. Last week in my intro to writing class, due to my low ACT score. I had to take a placer test for it. That wasn't fun but I passed. So I get to stay in my english class. College might suck but I'm hoping not. The social life sounds fun, not sure about the schooling though. Uhm, plus I found out last week that I passed my CNA state exam :D Hell to the yeahh. haha, I'm so excited. I knew I passed my skills test. I was just super worried about the written, I'm generally not good with tests like so. But now I can go be a CNA and earn money! yay! Then it was my last drill competition ever, :D it was like usual, at UVU. (my future school!!) We took fifth overall. 5th in dance and military. 6th in kick. So it went pretty well. I'm happy about it. Good way to end the year. :) Now all that is left is showcase and drill is pretty much over. I'm super stoked about that. I love drill but I'm so done. Three years has killed me almost. haha, and we aren't even the hardest working team at hunter.. I mean we work dang hard. I just know other teams are pushing it harder. So yeah. This week has been good so far. I'm goign to get my hair done tomorrow, I was suppose to Monday. But things change. Plus its UBSCTs this week, so classes don't start till like 9:30. And drill has a week off.. :) So I only go to seminary on B days. It is amazing. My A days are no bueno. Seriously, my human biology class isn't fun anymore. I use to enjoy it. And ever since I've changed teachers, it has sucked. But I blame the teacher, he isn't teaching.. he's just talking and having you take notes. Then watching you do poorly on the tests. I've noticed this within a week or two. So yeah, thats my crappy biology class. I'm excited for one semester left. Its crazy, I don't feel like I'm graduating this year. :/ So back to my intro to writing class. We had to write an essay on "who I am". Mine turned out bad, like I semi-predicted. I just worry and do the technical more than the personal. I'm not the class clown, or the one who makes the remarks out loud and people think its cool. I'm more a shy and I need a lot of explanation cause I don't want to screw it up girl. I don't love when teachers just talk but I'd rather be quiet while they're talking then ruin it for the class. I don't know. I just feel like my essay kind of, sucked it up. It didn't show my personality as well as I'd like. Its just hard. :/ yuck. At this age, do we really know who we are? And if you do, how? Its just a hard question for me to answer, smoothly at least. Ehh. I was so exited today. I went right after school to buy the Nick Jonas & the Administration CD :D I love it a lot... already. haha, His voice is so amazing. Plus Vannah cam over and we watched two live chats. It was fun. The girls on there are so funny. :) Today was really good. I enjoyed being with my best friend. She is amazing. :) :) Well I guess that its. I'm off to listen to music. Sleep tight (:

And Somehow I Know There's A Time For Every Star To Shine.

Haven't posted in a month or so.. dang. Glad to see no one has missed me. haha, not really. Well, tis the Christmas season. Last year at this time I was a wreck. I don't think I've changed too much but I'm a better wreck.. you could say. I am more accepting of what is going on than last year. Crazy how time does a lot to you. Anyway, I turn 18 in less than a week. :/ I'm a little nervous. I will be legal, and even though my parents aren't forcing me out.. (thankfully) I feel like I should be more independent and I've failed to do so. I understand being a teen is semi-easy/hard. Your parents help you with a lot. They will continue to do so until you die. But somehow your mind wants to be independent. As much as I wish I could be, its difficult. I haven't really worked in the job field. Its just a whole lot to deal with at once. You have to get set up to go to college, hoping to be able to pay for it all. Depending on the job you want. You want to be financially set up in a way because you feel aweful living off your parents. You're not bad til you're 23+ thats when you know you're bad. Still, growing up seems to be the scariest thing as of now. Where does all this money come from? One point, you're gonna buy a car thats 20,000+ And a place to live. Plus the food and hygiene care.. it just is a lot. Seems like you'll never have a break in life to pay for it. Oh man, I just need to stop thinking about it and enjoy this last part of the year. Off depressing topics.. I just watched All About Steve. OH my, another movie to go on my list of favorites. I love the message. I don't know if I fully understand it but from what I get, I like it. haha, Plus Sandra Bullock is my hero! I love her as an actress. She is amazing, all her movies she is in lately.. amazing. :) AND... Bradley Cooper is so freakin' sexy. Seriously, his movies are awesome as well. haha, ;) But back to All About Steve... Great message. Be unique and love it. Don't let anyone make you feel like you should be "normal". Who wants to be "normal"? Seriously, we weren't born to be normal.. we were born to stand out. Have something different in all of us. I mean yes there will be people who are unique together because there is over millions and billions of people on the Earth. No one knows exactly what is "right" in this world, so dare to be wrong. Be colorful when others are gray.. It can only lead to something good I believe. Chances are, people will like you better when you don't try to be with the "in" crowd. But don't change you who are naturally just cause you don't fit in. It is a good movie, watch it. I will admit its a little weird. But I like weird:) The end credits song is super amazing as well.. :D Its called "Everybody got their something" by Nikka Costa. Listen to the words, its a great message. Makes you feel good about your unique-ness. haha, I enjoy movies:) My other favorites lately are: Princess and the Frog, Proposal, Hangover, and a few more. haha, Movies and music almost complete my life. :/ Hmm, can't decide if thats good or bad.. oh well. Goodnight:D

P.S- I will find my nitch in this world... one day. :)

But If You, Pull Up To My Window.

Its only been forever since I've posted on here. haha, I'm still alive! :D Anway, its my senior year. You'd think I'd be having so much fun.. well I'm not. Its fun, but not what I thought it would be? I am not sure. And lately everything is bugging me. I think its just school that gets me in weird moods. Because I can be fine on the weekends. I rarely don't do too much on the weekends though, so its weird. I'm just in a bad or moody mood lately. I feel very distant from people and I don't know why. I think too much, so I think that has something to do with it. It affects how I act, talk, and etc. I don't know. I'm just ready for a change! :/ High school is overrated.. yeahh. Well, my senior drill pictures were taken a while back. And I want to put them on the net.. well.. we can't figure out how to work our old scanner. Its funny. You should see my parents try to figure it out.. haha. :D Silly old people! I love them. Well, I guess I can tell you what I've been up to lately, whether you care or not. :) So, I went to homecoming this year with my best friend Vannah :) It was soo much fun. We went to the state fair.. and yeahh :) Uhm, I started clinicals for my CNA class. They're okay. Not too bad but somewhat annoying. It just makes you think what you're really living for now. And what you want out of life. Being young really is an amazing thing. Hmmm, I got a new neice this week :) Taytum Betty Jo :D She is adorable. So little and cute.. awww. I love little babies. Long as I can give them back to their parents. haha, I couldn't be a teenage mommy. I'd cry my eyes out. I'd so give it up for adoption because I obviously can't provide well for a child. I can't even do well on my own.. seriously. Also I took the ACT finally :/ It wasn't very fun. They didn't give me much time on the writing test :( I think I did so bad. I tried but my thoughts just didn't get organized til 5 minutes left. It sucked. I hope I did okay, then I took a 5 hour nap and woke up to biology homework! :( This weekend hasn't been much fun for me. But I guess for school you have to sacrifice some things in life. And we need school. But I don't like it. I won't drop out cause that is just dumb. But still.. homework sucks! :( I'm just ready to be done and living a relaxing life. haha, dang. I have a while for that! Halloween is coming up! And I am going to be a nerd :) I don't know what I"m doing that night, but I'mma be a nerd.. :D haha. Purple one. Ha. So I've decided some mormons are hypocrites.. yup. I can be too. Don't think I think of myself as perfect. I don't. I'm no where near perfect! :/ So the Lost Boys is R. And my drill team wants to watch it. One time at drill, I said "hey you know its R right?" And some reply, "yeah, but its from the 80's." Okay, that is so dumb! It is still R no matter what decade it comes from! It hasn't changed since it was made. The rating is still R. So face facts, its R. And no where does it say in the rules of the mormons that we can watch R movies from the 80's. It just says R. So duhh! And if we watch it, then what will we tell our young teenage kids when they ask "hey mom, can I watch Saw?" and we reply "no, its R". They'll say "but its from the year 2000.. so its okay now." Is that really what we want to deal with? I mean if you're still mormon when you have kids and if you follow the rules strictly or not. I mean Saw isn't terrible but it gives some people nightmares. I'm a wimp at scary or gory movies. So to me, they freak me out. I get so paranoid. So yeahh, I just had to get that out cause I think its dumb! But whatever. I think I'm going to be done now.. haha. Night :)

Btw- Joe cut his hair :/ I don't know if I like it...

One Fifty One Rum, Pineapple Juice & Malibu Caribou.

Well, I guess I'll blog to entertain myself and maybe update anyone that might be following me, if they care. I don't know. I haven't blogged in a while. There isn't much point to it. I mean I have ideas and new thoughts all the time but I'd rather tell you than blog about it. haha, wow. uhm, I think since school has started I've decided this year will be okay possibly. I'm taking easy classes right now so its not bad.. haha. Maybe I should challenge myself for senior year but nahh, that doesn't sound fun. I'm not good with stress and a busy busy schedule. I already have it now.. :/ I do wayy to much in one week. I think its good but at the same time sad. I want more free time some days. I start clinicals next week!! :) I'm so excited. I love my CNA class. It will be super helpful getting a job after this class.. so yeahh. Uhm, last weekend was the homecoming dance. I took Vannah. My best friend :) We had a blast! And no I'm not lesbian.. guys just suck and don't ask girls to dances sometimes, so I don't want to suffer cause of it! ha. We went to the state fair, and got sweet tattoos! Then we hit up the homes to get ready and what not. The dance was major fun! I thought we looked so gorgeous ;) hahah, then we chilled after the dance. It was a good date overall. And I don't like asking someone to dances or having someone ask me cause sometimes, its not who you want to ask you. Or its not who you like that asks you. Only sometimes though. So yeah, its crazy. I mean, some people get bad dates. My friend, guy of course, took this girl and fell super hard for her. Bad idea, she's a beezy. So yeahh. Sometimes dates suck. haha, anyway.. that was fun though. I kinda want Christmas to come cause my birthday will be soon!! :) ahhh, so yeah, that is my blog.. haha. Just wanted to update you on my life a lil bit I guess. If you don't read it, I don't care.. haha. :) Night! :)

Before I fall Too Fast, Kiss Me Quick.

ahhh, senior year is sooon! :/ I can't believe I'm still up and I have to be at school soon! holy freak. I don't know if I'm ready. But I've decided that my summer has been everything that I wanted it to be :) I had an amazing summer. I didn't think it was what I wanted when it was all happening but now that I look back at all the things I did do this summer, and wow. It was too amazing. I have to thank my best friends for that too :) Jordyn is amazing! She helped me through a lot this summer and helped me stay not so bored. And Vannah wasn't here the first little bit of summer but she eventually came and we've been having fun ever since. I really haven't seen much of Britt, but she has been there for me when I needed her. Then I met Jackie this summer, and I'm so freakin' glad cause she rocks. I love her so much. They all are amazing in different ways. They have taught me so much and helped me through a lot. Without them, this summer wouldn't have been so amazing. Seriously, I'm glad I've learned so much. I wish summer wasn't over for once. I have changed and grown up. I hope at least haha. I've decided I like my life style. I can't wait til I'm older and can do it on my own with friends more, haha. But this life style is not for everyone, and I'm glad. haha. Yeahh. I grew to love Disney Channel this summer. And 64 Zoo Lane :) They are amazing. So I want to write more but I can't, I'm too tired. So I'm off to set my alarm clock and go to bed :) Senior year, here I come! ha.

btw- live chats are so cool :)