With A Thousand Lies, And A Good Disguise.

As I sit in the spot, where it all began I start to wonder what
will happen next. Its not like anything was mentioned of a
second time, I will not know if this start will be talked
about or told. I hope it will not be told because then we'd
have to tell what led to this and how its going to end. I
don't want to know the end, only if this will continue. I'm
not sure what to think, my mind is now just pondering
on every question there ever was, and even the ones that
never were. I hate the questions that now arise,
because I do not want to ask them to you because
your reaction is what I'm worried about. I am lost in
thoughts and cannot keep a single thought of it out of
my mind, the beginning has to have an end. Now
I hope this end doesn't come very fast, because I
want to know that this is the start of something bigger
than most things in life. I know this my seem like
some type of poem or rhyming thing, buts its not.
It is a way to tell my story without telling my story.
You will never know the ins and outs of it, and I
hope you do not ponder on it long, for it will be
one big waste of your time. You will move on,
and enjoy what you have in life, that is what I'm
off to do. :]

Cause Everyone Wants To Feel Like Someone Cares..

-The truth hurts.
Thats why we lie.
-I can go anywhere but if
your not with me there,
than it'll never be enough.
-I didn't come here to tell you
that I can't live without you,
I can, I just don't want to ♥
-I want to be the one that you open up to, the one
that you tell all your heart's desires to, the
one that you tell all your deepest secrets to, the
one that you fall in love with
-When you finally realize you didn't
matter at all to someone, you begin to
wonder if you matter to a n y o n e.
-You may not end up where you thought you'd be,
but you always end up where you're meant to be
-In order to move on you must know
why you felt the way you did, and
why you no longer need to feel it.
-To me you were worth the fight,
but I wasn't going to fight forever.
-She's the type of girl that tries no to like you, but in the end,
she falls for you even harder.
-It hurts to know you'll never remember the things I'll never forget.
-I've finally realized what lives about. Hanging on when
your hearts had enough and giving more when you want to give up.
-It's amazing how different your world would be if you never met
the one person who changed everything.
-My theory is if I stop talking to you,
maybe you would start to miss me.
-not only did you change my life when I saw you,
but you also took my heart.
-What you don't know
can't hurt you, it's
what you suspect that
screws everything up.
-&& ever since I met you
I haven't been able to
stop thinking about you.
-You make me happy,
really, really, happy.
-If you don't intend on catching me,
then please don't make me fall.
-As long as you are a part of my future,
then I don't care what's in store for me.
-I just keep telling myself that
there will be a significant moment
where I finally know what to do.
-I wish for once someone would
hold me down and make me
say what it is that I'm feeling.
-I think it's kind of funny
how I can say "him" and
everyone automatically
knows I'm talking about you.
-Sometimes all a person really needs is a
hand to hold and a heart to understand.
-Every time I hear your name, I get lost
in these thoughts of you and I want to
scream to the world how much I adore you.
-There's just something about you,
I swear I don't even know what it is,
but everytime you're near me, it
makes me go absolutely crazy.
-It sounds so cliche, but I’m sick of
waiting, I don’t want to talk and I don’t
want to listen. I just want you to put
your arm around my waist and kiss me.
-I'm not saying I don't want you,
I'm saying that I'm tired of chasing you.



These are just some quotes that explain how I feel and think sometimes,
I feel like they explain a certain part of my thoughts, and I've decided...
I think places such as post secret and stuff is empowering. To know
that a secret that means so much to you is out there but no one knows.
It seriously amazing, you feel like you have weights off your chest.
I want the books like that! :D And btw, I never knew how much I
liked talking from him, day to day. Its like I am not able to function
without knowing he's still okay. But I feel I'm annoying him, gosh.
Also, this boy I thought I was over, yeah that is not true. I believe
he still has my full attention and I'm not getting it back just yet, even
though I would like it back. I want him to be ignorable and someone
I can not talk to for days and not care.. someone who I don't feel stupid
around. haha, yeah. I realized, I believe love with solve everything,
like a boyfriend will help me through anything when I'm pretty sure it
won't.. its like I can'tever get over that thought. I always hear people
talk about how someone, their bf or gf, is there for them when they
need them. I guess I just want that somebody, I really do.. But I
think I should wait because that person isn't gonna come when I am
expecting them, they are going to catch me off my feet and just
throw my life in a twisted knot I can't get out of without them.
At least I'm hoping so, think its too much to hope for?! Sometimes
I feel so.. anyway just sharing thoughts on my mind at the minute, night!

I Wish I Knew You Way Back When,

"I wish I knew you way back when before you were part of my plans, I think that we would have been friends" I believe I just am in some kind of funk. Like there is a battle going on in my brain about who I want to be, and how to be that person. I like to think certain things just solve everything but they really don't.. If you ask someone who has those certain things if they are happier or more this or more that, they usually tell you they are the same.. Its nice to have but you'd be okay if you didn't have it. But to you, you still think it will change everything about your life. Such as you won't be lonely when you're bored. You won't be crying or sad anymore because you'll have that to make you happy. Etc. Its just how you view things I guess. I always view when someone doesn't reply right away that they don't want to talk to me, or I am annoying them. I feel I lose friends because i do certain things wrong, or annoy them. I just don't think my confidence is the highest. I love what others do more than I do my stuff. I will also make fun of something, or point out the bad but then realize its not the nicest thing to do, and I probably will lose friends over it. Oh well? I want to go get sweaters, just a few. haha, and a closet full of jackets! All colors and patterns. It'd be the coolest thing ever, like in the entire world. I also, realized I'm not over them just yet.. Thought I was but I'm not. I really want them more than I will ever say.. And I won't move on because I am afraid to go for someone new. I don't want to be over them, I just want to be with them. If nothing lasts forever, Can I be your nothing? Tru got a blog!! :D I love reading it too. She also pointed me to a place where people post their secrets in a hidden way through pictures, its so cool. I love that type of stuff. Not knowing who it is, but knowing how they feel. Thats so cool. I absolutely love that! I guess I'm off. Haeli needs the computer, bye! :]

You Can Stand Under My Umbrella,

so I'll tell you now, I have a best friend in west ville, haha. My bestest fri TRU! :D
she is pretty amazing, we somehow understand each other when they really don't make sense,
i love our crazy random pictures sometimes, and much more. mmhmm,

Before The Worst, Before Our Hearts Decide Its Time To Love Again

I've decided I don't want to grow up. The world is way too scary for me.. I mean thank the lord for financial lit, geez if I didn't have to take it, I wouldn't of. And then that would've left me like, unprepared for the future after high school. Today we learned about identity theft. That seriously is so aweful. Why is our world so demented that we have to take other people's lives and ruin them? Isn't it enough that you ruined your life, why ruin another's life? Misery loves its company, I guess. Which is not good, I am so scared to even give out any information about me now, geez. How do you even trust anyone? I mean everyone can lie, even the good people, who you usually trust. I mean, I lie when I'm trying to get a prank to get pulled off. But I'm not good at them, even the good deed pranks. Were you don't want to be discovered, ya know? So I will lie and say its not me. I don't know why but I will. I mean, who won't? Most kids at my school seem to do it. Its like we make sure not to tell anyone but we do anyway and we get called out as a liar. When they are lying too. I mean, its just a crazy circle, probably not a very healthy one either. But I am really scared to enter into the world of living on my own, having a job I go to daily, paying bills, and identity theft. Everything about it seems scary, I am just prepared enough to think I have to be on my own. It doesn't sound fun. Why doesn't Peter Pan's Never Never Land exist?! haha, So my phone broke this week. Yeah its only because I got angry with it, and ruined it even more, brilliant eh? I mean super brilliant. I should get an award, for dumbest person on the planet. I learned my lesson, no matter how mad you are with your phone, don't use it to get your anger and frustration out. It makes things worse. Now I'm to a phone that I wanted years ago, haha. I like it though. Its a cool phone. Just a bit old, but very reliable. I mean people say they drop it a lot, and it doesn't break. But I don't want to drop it to try that out. I'll keep the phone :] haha. well, Wednesday night, with Tru, Ezra, & Cameron.. I went to Body Worlds! It was amazing, seriously the human body is amazing. We went through it quite fast but yet just enough to see it all. I want to go again, it had to be one of the coolest things I've ever been too. You should go! hahaa... NEW TOPICC! I loove the movie Wall-E. Its so cute. Seriously, the best one ever, haha. And Twilight comes out in like under an hour. I bet lines are crowded at movie theaters. Hmmm, I think big fans of the book will not like it. Just from past experiences, movies aren't the same as books. They are not as good. mmhmm, yep. Well, I'm done, so goodnight.

All That We've Been Through, You Still Stuck Around By My Side.

i want new friends! I can't stand the ones I have at the minute. I can't even call them friends. They don't deserve such a title. The only title they deserve is inconsiderate brats!! Even though I've been sick like all weekend, I could still hang out because I wasn't like super deadly sick. Geez, I asked people on Friday if the group was hanging out, and they said "idk" so I don't think they did. But Saturday, apparently they hung out! Nobody asked me, Nobody even texted me saying "hey whats up?" I am feeling very lonely in my group. Good thing I hung out with different people this weekend, Friday I got free ice cream from my friend who works at Baskin Robins. Then Saturday I got basically free into a movie =] I usually don't hang out with these people either, so I liked it. But I realized I don't have a true true best friend. Like Brittani, I may have been moody or acted different with her but she was my true best friend. We talked about everything, we took naps, we sat & did nothing, we sang off key, we did a lot of things. I never dressed up for her. I never had too, I never asked if anything was wrong, I just said "tell me whats going on" and she would say everything that was going on that was upsetting her. I could tell her everything and we would understand each other even if it didn't make sense to us. We spoke our own language. She is truely my best friend for life. She never left me lonely, even when we fought, it made us stronger, we'd always say sorry. I miss her. Why is the world so mean? Why did it take away my only best friend? The one who never let me down? =( I think the world is in for me. I was seriously part of her family, her mom basically referred to me as her daughter, her dad called me "twig". Her brother and sister thought I lived with them. We had sleep overs all the time. I have the best memories of my life with her. She is part of my heart, a part that is never gonna be replaced. She was better than any boy ever could be. I really want to be with her right now, I just feel so lonely lately, not "I want a boy lonely" just friend lonely. Everyone is always busy, or just doesn't talk to me. I should be happy for what I have, but right now, all I see is how lonely I am. I will just spend every day with my dog :] She never lets me down. haha, Well Night! :/

Pain Like That is Fast And Its Rare..

Why is it that we always focus on the future and not the present? We are so busy focusing on the future we forget to live for the present and end up missing half our lives not realizing this. Even though I am not the most forgiving person, I think we should all forgive people easier.. I mean its not good to hold these grudges that waste our time, and our happiness. It is just a waste of energy to hold a grudge, and some people need more energy. Seriously, half the kids at my school are so dead during class they don't remember anything after class, or school. Then they go home and sleep, so energy is needed throughout our entire day. In my English class we had to read Touching Spirit Bear. I love to read but not when my teachers give me books usually, because they find the boring ones. Its their talent, I swear. But I really read this book, and I learned more about myself I think. Its not just a book about a boy who gets sent to an island by himself for a year because he bashed some kids head into the sidewalk. This boy, Cole, has to learn how to forgive and focus on the happy things in life. There is a part in the book where he is on the island the second time and he has to get in the freezing cold pond water with this Native American who is helping him get settled. The Native American, Edwin, teaches him how to focus on the good in life. He has a stick in the water with them as they float, and he tells him that his anger is on the left end and his happiness is on the right end. To get rid of his anger, he says break the left end off. But then he has Cole break it off again because its still there. Edwin then proceeds to tell him that you can never be rid of your anger, you just have to focus on the right end of the stick. Edwin also asks him to look into the sky and pay attention to whats going on, well Cole looks at the stormy clouds. While Edwin looks and sees the bright sun shining with joy. Edwin then tells Cole, he has to choose to focus on the sun because the clouds will keep him focusing on the bad in life more than the happy. That totally is amazing, that really taught me to focus on the good in life. Plus I read in a friend's blog on myspace about something Jay Leno said. It was really amazing, it was talking about how the Americans can be snobs and only focus on what we don't have, not what we do have. So, it mentions some examples like being able to live in a home even if its not a mansion. Being able to eat at a ton of restaurants that are different foods but its not enough. For some reason we want more. I am no angel, I always want what I don't have. I am happy that I have a car though, I mean I got pickier once we started looking into it more heavily, but I love my car. Sure a new car would be nice but I just needed a car to get me from point A to point B, and its what I got. I love it. I miss it when its gone too. I am grateful for my wonderful family who are so amazing, and supportive. I'm so glad we all get along really well. I love my friends, they always seem to be there for me when my life seems aweful. I live in a home that is a great shelter from the cold and everything else. I have food in the fridge every day, may not be what I crave that day but its still food. But I have realized I tend to focus on what I don't have more than what I do. Its a bad thing, I will work on it from now on. Another reason I decided that people should be more forgiving is because we could die at anytime. So, say you say bye to your mom when she drops you off for school. But you get a call saying she got in a car crash and died at the scene. Did you mention you love her to her? Did you ever say thank you? Did you say sorry after your fight the other day? Did you hug her and tell her she is the best and no one can replace her? I mean, people can die so easily these days, or something bad happens that ruins their health. For example, a girl on my drill team got in a car accident about two weeks ago I believe, T-boned by a semi, don't ask me how, I don't know details. But she was saved thank the lord, I thought she was getting better but since she hit her head. The wound wouldn't stop bleeding.. and she has rides everywhere, she is on pills in case of her having a seizure. Tonight at drill she had one and it was scary. My heart stopped, and I couldn't think of what she told us to do, luckily other drill girls remembered and she was okay.
I guess in conclusion, life really does come at you fast, if you aren't living in the present, you might miss a lot lo things, and then what if you died? What if you died from something so simple yet deadly and you were just gone? You didn't get to say goodbye, tell your neighbor if they sucked, ask the cute boy on a date, or say hi to that lonely kid in your 4A class? Its aweful knowing this, I hope this helps you as much as it has me. I think we should always tell the people who matter most to us, how much we love them and are grateful for them in our lives. Or just that one person who said hi to you when you were feeling down one day. Lets live for the present, not the future or the past.


btw- is this a blog that seems more deep? haha, i don't know. It feels like it.