I would like to let you know that I am one of the worst people ever lately. For some reason I go through insane mood swings. Where I can't even stand the people who are near to me. My best friends, my family, anyone.. I get annoyed with easily and I get all mad at questions I shouldn't. Is something wrong? I push those I love the most away, and all because my brain is in some kind of funk. I feel like a terrible person. I am a terrible person. Its just something that is hard to control. I feel as if I've lost my way and I blame myself. But I'm blaming others as well. How did I get so lost? I once knew a something about myself and now I know nothing.. well that's how it feels. Its insane. I'm sick of watching others live life! I want to live life. I want to be the one people think has such a great time anywhere and anyplace. I want to be happy again! It is just gonna take work. Someone told me that we're young and still have time to not worry about things like this. That we should just have fun and life will fall into the pieces it is suppose too. I believe them. It is just hard to try that, to stop caring so much. That is all my brain does. Think of everything that ever was and will be. I feel as if I can't even stop my brain anymore. When did doubt take so much control over my life? How did I let that happen? I use to be so fun and confident. I could get what I wanted and I didn't care what anyone said cause I still had family and those friends that stuck around with me no matter what. They would put me down but I was able to stay confident. They just kept me down to earth even if I really wasn't. They tried at least. I miss those days. I miss being not so picky. When did I become picky? Who am I to be picky? Honestly I'm a pretty cool girl, just not that cool. So who am I to think that I can be picky? Shouldn't I just be happy with whatever comes my way? Ugh. I think way too much about life. Sorry if you are actually reading this and thinking "why is she so self centered?" I'm sorry. stop reading if you want. I don't care. I just need to write it down, get it out of my head. I wish I knew answers. I think that is what I'm looking for. answers, answers, answers. What will I do if I can't find them? So I just need to start accepting life as it is. Changes need to be made. I'm sick of just wanting things and thinking, "I"ll never get them.." no. I want to get them. I need to be more like the book the Secret. that was quite helpful for a while.. hmm. Ill figure life out. Someday, I Just need to take it as it is now. Growing up sucks, why as little kids did we not see this?! haha. We only saw what we wanted I think. Thats what I saw! I believe I don't accept myself as I am. the quote you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself first. Thats me. I don't love myself, and I want too. Its just hard. maybe when I accept myself others will too. That makes sense.. :/ I just wish I knew. I'd gladly go back to the days of elementary! I loved them. The silly games, the pointless drama, chasing boys, swinging, you didn't need much to keep you happy. The simple days. Where'd they go? I love the quote that says "its not that I can't believe anymore, its just that too much has happened." it is quite true, and that isn't the exact wording.. but something like it haha.
I just need a change in life. I"ll get one someday. haha, hmmm. oh well.
I'm glad I was able to write it somewhere. I don't care who knows. I want help. haha,
(:
